Things I've Learned About the Environment

After much study into this whole environment thing, I've managed to compile a list of things I've learned about it, and how truly catastrophic global warming is. I thought I'd share them with the blogosphere in one handy dandy compressed form.

1. Al Gore is not a scientist, serially...
-Shocking. Despite his seemingly prophetic insight into planetary climate cycles, Al Gore does not hold a science degree. Mr. Excelsior does hold a BA in government though from Harvard. People who go to Harvard automatically know everything, like Pierre Trudeau. Turdeau (oops, Trudeau, Freudian slip) didn't make a movie though. People who make movies are basically living gods.

2. The scientific method is only a loose set of guidelines...
-Rules are meant to be broken. The scientific method is just a guideline, like the speed limit or that sign that says "high voltage". Having your hypothesis disproved is not a major failure, just make up a new one to fit. Warmer oceans make more hurricanes, no wait, less, no wait more...

3. Fear will keep the outlying systems in line, fear of this crisis...
-Lemmings don't really jump off cliffs like you see in cartoons. People on the other hand do. If you scare people enough, with perhaps doomsday, they'll follow you like a deer caught in the headlights. 2008 will be a good year for the IPCC Empire. It has seen the end of GW Bush and will soon see the end of the rebel alliance, of deniers.

4. Come to the dark side, we have cookies.
-I recently discovered I was the spawn of Satan. I live in the suburbs, drive a non-hybrid car, shop at Wal-Mart, vote Conservative, and I "deny" global warming. I'm public enemy number one on Greenpeace's blacklist. Well, at least I hope I am. You haven't really made your mark on the world without having a price on your head. In the mean time, I want my Sith name to be Darth Denego, lord of denial. Bow before your master. [shocks Al Gore with Force Lightning]

5. Let's see: Tide...Cheer...Bold...Biz...Fab...All...Gain...Wisk...
-A clean mind is a happy mind. If you want people to believe the "truth", bombard them with it 24/7. They'll be happily brainwashed before long. If not, you can imprison them in the Miniluv for some "special rehabilitation" and a full frontal lobotomy. Make sure to get them while they're young too. Barney says you should poor sugar in your parents' car's gas tank. Those mean ol' polluters.

6: SILENCE! You're talking too loud...
If you don't like what people are saying about you or your theories, the best way to deal with them is to shut them up. Discredit them by dragging their good name through the dirt, even if they are right, or just outright make them "disappear". Stalin knew this. Science isn't about debating things anyway. They're always right.

7. Money = √Evil
I remember reading somewhere that Greenpeace made $1 billion last year. That's a hefty chunk of change for a non-profit group who's members look like that homeless guy who was living under the Gardiner Expressway. These are the same people who rail the deniers for receiving funds from the oil companies. GW is big business. By the way Exxon, where's my Cheque?

8. Maybe I'll make a movie. A movie starring me. Then people will take me super serial...
-Speaking of money, Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth" raked in $50 million world wide since its release. According to the IMDB, it placed only seventh out of the most searched documentaries in the last week. Ironically, One Night in Paris placed first. I think it had a more believable story and better acting. Maybe Gore should go back to his search for ManBearPig. He's had more luck finding him than finding the truth about GW.
Well, as I said, people in movies and or on TV are near gods. Just ask David Sazuki who's low rated CBC nature show qualifies him to talk in depth about climatology. Anything ending in -ology though must mean the person is correct about everything, like Tom Cruise and his Scientology.
Also, has anybody noticed a dramatic decline in Discovery's science news program Daily Planet. I thought that show was about science, not fiction? Shouldn't it be moved to the Comedy Network?

9. I enjoy a nice steam bath in the sauna after a good workout...
-The local news likes to show pictures of "smoke" rising from the Stelco plant in Hamilton in order to illustrate pollution, or smog, or global warming. If anybody bothered to learn how steel is made, they'd know it's plain old steam, not smoke. Water is used to quench the hot steel and Stelco needs lots of it. Last time I checked, steam was made of water, not CO2, and water evapourates into big clouds when it gets hot.

Well there you have it. Nine things I've learned in my studies. Message to GW fanatics. You may now feel free to send me hate mail. I can guarantee your opinion will get as much respect from me as mind does from you.